User:Matrix2tech

                     MATRIX2TECH

In reading Oprah's latest book selection I am overwhelmed with situations that I have had in the past. That "aha" awareness.. even of becoming aware of the incessant chatter in my head which I now recognize as my ego, my mind. I have been trying to discover my authentic self through rediscovering my likes and dislikes and only allowing myself those things which I truly need or with which I find internal joy. Now I see it is by connecting with that sense of awareness deep inside that we discover ourselves.

I had to laugh at the description of an ego finding strength and superiority in having nothing. I am better than "them". I am not controlled by my things. I am identified with my austerity. I have risen above the materialistic tugs of craving more stuff. As Eckhart Tolle explains, the ego will find something to identify with even when you have relinquished or lost everything. It will survive.

Prior to picking up this book, I was working on similar and parallel theories and techniques discovered in Wayne Dyer's 'There's A Spiritual Solution To Every Problem'. Between that and his PBS lectures on changing your thoughts and life, there is so much to digest. I think that is why I felt such exuberance. Here was someone else to help me in this journey.. this metamorphosis.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. Let me go back .. about 14 years. My first conscious foray into rediscovering myself and looking inside myself started with my diagnosis of breast cancer. I was a single parent of a young child so it was devastating. Who would care for him if anything were to happen to me? Would he be consumed by feelings of rejection and abandonment? I prayed every night that I would remain healthy and well at least until he reached an age where he could understand and be responsible for himself.

Then, for myself, I began to try to comprehend that my sense of myself as a woman, was not my outer shell, my physical body. It is what's inside that truly counts. It was not easy for me. I had so identified my value as a woman with my appearance and physical attributes. It was the way I was able to be noticed and therefore obtain valuation. I so fit the gender identification Tolle describes. Though I have made progress and come really far I had not grasped the ego. I had heard it, battled it at times, but did not understand. I see my physical body like a suit of armor encasing me, kind of like the alien in the movie Independence Day, but I did not see the awareness and spirit as one and the same. It all makes sense. Between you and I, I don't know why I didn't get it. I remember one night visualizing a spirit like essence leaving my room and gliding downstairs.. my body left behind in bed but it just seemed to be a glimpse and I did not even attempt to make sense of it. To force it into a box of my own making would erode the almost magical and ethereal moment. I observed and let it go. I did not judge. I did not assume. I let it be.

Another thing I have observed in a feeling of the inner body. Almost feeling my body store up fat when I was not eating healthily. Nothing showed in my clothes or how they fit but I could sense it. When I was pregnant with my son and I layed on my stomach, obviously early enough on when I could still lie on it, I sensed the floating up and back inside the uterus toward my back. I could not physically feel it but I saw it as part of the sensation; understanding that explained the sensation. I never told anyone. I knew noone would ever believe me. Why would I be so in sync with my body? Well, because like the tree in the wildnerness whose roots seek sustenance deep down and grows stronger so too did I as a child.

Just as the beginning chapters of the book describes our associating ourselves from a young age on our sexuality and it's