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Conflict in Romantic Relationships

Relationship conflict is a natural effect of life events, differing opinions, and communication issues (Meyer & Sledge, 2021; Knee et al., 2005; Chen et al., 2006).  Conflict in romantic relationships is largely predictive of people’s overall happiness (Bühler et al., 2021), as well as health factors including life expectancy (Robles et al., 2014). This has motivated social psychologists to explore common themes in the causes, escalation and resolution of conflict.

Causes

Frequent Conflict Triggers

There is a wide range of topics which are common triggers for conflict across many couples. It is important to consider these factors, as they have significant impacts on other important aspects of a relationship (Rehman et al., 2011; Williamson et al., 2013). For example, conflict concerning jealousy or sex negatively affects communication styles (Sanford, 2003). The most common topics of conflict include; sex, finances, power, loyalty, children, and chores (Betcher & McCauley, 1990; Papp et al., 2009).

However, there is a dynamic aspect to these topics, and conflict causes change with age and relationship progression. Younger couples usually are more concerned with leisure and emotional closeness, while older couples argue more frequently about  health (Rauer et al., 2019).

Predictors of Relationship Conflict

There are factors which predict higher rates of conflict within a romantic relationship. For example, multiple studies have found adolescents whose parents are divorced to report more negative attitudes toward relationships (Giuliani et al., 1998; Summers et al., 1998). This trend continues into adulthood, where parental divorce is a predictor of poor communication within romantic relationships (Amato & DeBoer, 2001; Gager & Sanchez, 2003). These findings have been replicated throughout social psychology literature. However there is a lack of research into specific interventions to reduce the negative outcomes related to parental divorce and relationship issues.

Conversely, a secure attachment style is predictive of lower levels of conflict within romantic relationships (Shi, 2003). Attachment styles during childhood have reliably been linked to various relationship outcomes (Simpson & Rholes, 2017). Insecurely attached children also employ higher levels of dysfunctional conflict styles in adulthood (González-Ortega et al., 2020). Hence, it is important to consider the implications of attachment styles during conflict resolution.

Theories of Relationship Conflict

The Demand-Withdraw Pattern

One model for explaining conflicts which occur in romantic relationships is the demand-withdrawal pattern. This is a communication pattern through which one person consistently nags or complains, causing the other to avoid the situation, often physically leaving (Smith, 2010; Christensen & Heavey, 1993). This pattern most frequently occurs in conflict centered around a desire for change in the partner (Klinetob & Smith, 1996). The demand-withdraw pattern is dysfunctional, and has negative implications on the wellbeing of both individual partners, as well as the relationship satisfaction within the couple (Caughlin, 2002; Aloia et al., 2020).

Research has also associated this communication pattern with psychological abuse and anxiety disorder symptoms in women (Pickover et al., 2017). However, there is a lack of longitudinal studies around the effects of this communication pattern, and its implications (Donato et al., 2014). This is important as long term impacts may be critical in psychologists’ understanding of the concept. However, meta-analytic literature reveals a strong association between the demand-withdraw pattern during conflict and relational and communicative outcomes, indicating the pattern’s overall negative effect.

Constructive Conflict Theories

Despite the negative connotations associated with conflict, it can be a healthy mechanism through which relationships progress, and attain positive outcomes. Observational research correlated affection during conflict with humor and playfulness in everyday couple interactions (Driver & Gottman, 2004). Although further research is required to examine the causational direction of this correlation, this provides indication that the way in which a couple communicates during conflict may create productive results.

Constructive conflict styles mediated the association between mindfulness and partnership quality (Gesell et al., 2020). Relationship research also suggests utilising constructive communication styles during conflict can increase relationship satisfaction and promote long-term success of the partnership (Gottman & Silver, 2018). Such findings are replicated across literature, with constructive conflict resolution promoting growth, trust, and increased emotional intimacy (Galvani, 2014; Gottman & Declaire, 2001; Markman et al., 2010). So, despite the harm which conflict sometimes may cause, if executed correctly, conflict may enhance a relationship and effective communication can be a powerful tool in the strengthening of a couple.

Escalation of Conflict in Romantic Relationships

The Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution

Also known as Gottman’s four horsemen, the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution presents a model for the way through which conflict within a relationship can escalate and create greater issues for a relationship (Gottman, 1993). Gottman (1993) created this model as a way to conceptualise how certain communication styles during conflict can predict the end of a relationship. The “four horsemen” are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

• Criticism: Criticism within relationship conflict can be broadly defined as an attack of one partners’ character from the other partner. It is important to note this is different from a complaint, which targets a specific issue rather than presenting a charge against the partner’s personality (Lisitsa, 2013). This leads to feelings of hurt and distrust, paving the way for more severe forms of dysfunctional conflict communication. For example, criticism has been found to cause the most amount of psychological hurt from romantic partners (Neoh et al., 2022).

• Defensiveness: In reaction to ongoing criticism and contempt, one or both partners then tend to respond with defensiveness. This is a protective mechanism, which often involves shifting blame onto the other and avoidance of responsibility. There may be evolutionary dimensions to this response, due to the activation of the flight or fight system, and the innate need to protect one’s own pride (Blanchard & Blanchard, 2008). It often involves making excuses, leading to the partner not feeling validated in their feelings, and unheard in their complaints.

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one partner “shuts down” and disengages in the conflict. They become hard to reach, withdrawing from conversations and becoming unresponsive to their partner. This can take many forms, such as the silent treatment or avoiding being at home. It becomes very difficult for conflict to be resolved when stonewalling occurs, due to the disengagement of one party from the conversation (Gottman, 1993).

• Contempt: When all admiration and respect is lost for the partner, contempt within conflict begins (Fowler & Dillow, 2011). In this stage, individuals become mean, berating or mocking their partners. According to Gottman’s (1993) research, contempt is the hardest of the four stages of the model to come back from, and the highest indicator of divorce among married participants.

Hence, this model presents the processes through which conflict escalates, and portrays the way in which this could eventually lead to relationship breakdown.

Non-Serial vs. Serial Arguments

Non-serial arguments are conflicts which occur once, and are then resolved. However, when couples engage in serial arguments, conflict consistently reemerges surrounding the same topic. The most common topics which become serial arguments are problematic behaviours or personality characteristics, jealousy and trust issues, as well as negotiations surrounding leisure/quality time (Bevan et al., 2014). The demand-withdrawal pattern was commonly associated with serial arguments (Malis & Roloff, 2006). As seen above, the demand-withdrawal pattern leads to a multitude of negative effects for wellbeing and the relationship, and hence escalates conflict.

Roles in the initial argument are another way in which serial arguments escalate conflict. Research shows serial arguments have an initiator and a target (Johnson & Roloff, 2000b). This creates a psychological distance between the couple, causing difficulty in using effective conflict resolution strategies such as compromise. This distance is caused through factors which separate the attitudes of the couple. For example, the individual in the initiator role has more time to prepare for the argument than the target (Johnson & Roloff, 2000a). Further, the issue is likely to be of more importance to the initiator than to the target (Reznik & Roloff, 2011). This makes it difficult for the couple to be empathetic, and see the other person’s side of the conflict.

Conflict Resolution in Romantic Relationships

Effective Communication

Research has shown that the right forms of communication during conflict is effective at reducing the negative outcomes associated with relationship conflict. Further, when conflict is managed well, it may even have positive outcomes on relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2018). Research shows effective communication should induce cooperation within the couple, rather than opposition (Overall & McNulty, 2017). This can include communication styles such as softening conflict, showing affection, reasoning and negotiation.

Forgiveness is also an important part of conflict resolution in romantic relationships. Wives' benevolence was found to be a predictor of conflict resolution both in young and long term married couples (Fincham et al., 2004). A twelve month follow up of participants in Fincham et al.’s study also confirmed the same results, demonstrating the longitudinal and perpetual benefits of forgiveness to aid conflict resolution in marriages (Fincham et al., 2007).

Conflict resolution styles can be predicted by attachment types. Insecurely attached couples are more likely to employ dysfunctional resolution styles (González-Ortega et al., 2021). While this idea is rooted in attachment theory, it is also supported by recent research (Çaglayan & Koruk, 2022; Hendrick & Hendrick, 1994). So, attachment style is an important consideration when discussing how conflict can be resolved in romantic relationships.

Interventions and Couple Therapy

In more severe cases of conflict, couple’s may result in third parties for conflict resolution. However, there are barriers to couples seeking couples therapy. A content analysis found couples who considered therapy as a means of conflict resolution avoided it due to the cost of treatment, logistics and stigma, among other factors (Hubbard & Anderson, 2022). These factors are important to consider, as neutral mediators have been found to increase the likelihood of conflict resolution (Bogacz et al., 2020).

When a couple attends therapy, a licensed therapist supports them through issues within their marriage. Effective communication styles are encouraged, and tasks such as role-playing to attain better understanding of perspectives between the couple may be employed (Hinkle et al., 2015). Couples talk through their problems, and meta-analytic research supports the effectiveness of couple’s therapy in resolving conflict (Lebow et al., 2011; Snyder et al., 2006).

Gender and Cultural Differences

Gender Differences in Relationship Conflict

Research has found significant gender differences in a variety of aspects related to conflict in romantic relationships. For example, women tend to report more relationship problems, and have more thoughts of divorce (Faulkner et al., 2005; Huber & Spitze, 1980). However, this can be criticised with research which suggested that husbands and wives reported similar rates of decline in marriage quality (Karney & Bradbury, 1997; Kurdek, 1999; MacDermid et al., 1990). This may suggest that while men understand and experience the issues and dissatisfaction in the relationship as it occurs, women are more emotionally affected.

Further, within the demand-withdrawal pattern, husbands are more likely to withdraw, while wives are more likely to make demands (Vangelisti, 2002). Gottman and Levenson (1998) suggest the higher tendency of men to withdraw may be linked to the increased physiological arousal they experience during conflict.

Cultural Differences in Relationship Conflict

Cultural differences also play a significant role in how romantic relationships handle conflict. Cross-cultural studies have demonstrated that communication styles, conflict resolution strategies, and perceptions of relationship dynamics vary substantially across different cultures (Fonseca et al., 2020). For instance, collectivist cultures like those in East Asia tend to prioritise harmony and indirect communication during conflict (Rehman & Holtzworth-Munroe, 2006). However, individualistic Western cultures often encourage more direct confrontation and open expression of personal feelings (Zhang, 2023). Research has highlighted how cultural norms influence expectations around emotional expression, power dynamics, and acceptable behaviors during relationship disagreements (Kim et al., 2008). Furthermore, factors such as family structure, gender roles, and societal expectations can impact how couples approach and resolve conflicts. This makes it important to understand the cultural contexts in which relationship conflicts are happening.

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