This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous. Such material is not meant to be taken seriously.
We appreciate your interest in taking this blasted site off our hands! Follow these simple steps, pay the $93,324,457,726,393,583.93, and Wikipedia is yours!
Half of your payment must be made in cash, and one-tenth will be performed credit. The remaining two-fifths will be paid fully via Wiki-tokens at precisely 6:34 am.
Q: Obtaining half of $93,324,457,726,393,583.93 in cash is physically impossible! Is there any other way I can pay?
A: If you run into issues acquiring the amount of cash necessary to buy Wikipedia, an exchange rate of 2.35543 United States Dollars (USD) to 1 1⁄4 lb (0.11 kg) cheeseburgers will be accepted in order to complete the transaction.
The aforementioned burgers must be cooked medium-rare (145 °F (63 °C)).
The burgers are to be individually wrapped in paper, with a smiley face drawn on each one.
If you have any further questions about these burgers, please ask Jerry. Jerry works off gratuity, and a 30.534% tip is recommended. You're still required to pay the credit and Wiki-token amounts even if you cook all these delicious cheeseburgers for us.
Q: Who is Jerry? How can I meet him?
A: Jerry is our resident expert burger flipper. You can meet Jerry by following the steps outlined here.
Q: Wait, what happened to your other resident expert burger flipper Danny?
A: Poor Danny... if you really want to know, click here for the full story about Danny.
Q: What happens if I don't follow through with paying?
A: If you fail to complete the steps correctly or back out of completing the purchasing process after you start, our elite management team in charge of the Wikipedia Purchase System will hunt you down and have you terminated, no matter where you are or where you hide. Your IP will never be safe again. Good luck!
You may alternatively pay your balance by these methods, though you will be subject to an additional 15% premiumization tax as well as a $203,000 convenience fee.
The Raphael Option
This method is illegitimate and is kept because it is considered humorous.
Start by flying to New York City. Any of the three major airports will do. However, if you fly to Newark Airport, you must serenade the cashier at the Wendy's there by playing "Surfin' USA" on a guitar. You're going to be heading to 888 Madison Avenue in Manhattan, and you must arrive there by February 21 at 5:33 PM local time to meet with Daniella.
Daniella will be expecting you to buy her at most 25 items of her choice at the store located at 888 Madison. You should comply with these orders ASAP.
You will then be able to complete the payment in one lump sum, using cash, money orders, and/or Bitcoin, counting all the taxes and fees mentioned above. The above items purchased for Daniella's personal satisfaction, though mandatory, will not count towards the amount due. Daniella will facilitate payment on her end.
Upon the completion of payment, you must take an elevator to the roof of the tallest building at the World Trade Center and film a short video of yourself saying that you bought Wikipedia, all while performing the default Fortnite dance. You must also take all legal measures necessary, including but not limited to bribery if necessary, to ensure that the video is posted to the primary TikTok account of at least three of the following personalities:
Convince at least one of them to join you at the WTC roof to do Johnathan Secret's handshake for a second TikTok you will post to both your own account (if you don't have one, create one) as well as the participating personality's account. We will give a 0.01% discount on the total payment credited back to you if you are able to get two or more personalities as listed above, or ones approved by Wikipedia Purchasing Management. Once that's done, congrats! You now own Wikipedia!
The Party Life Option
This method is illegitimate and is kept because it is considered humorous. Do not crash a FordF-150 into Interstate 670 to purchase Wikipedia.
Catch a private jet flight to State College, Pennsylvania. You'll be partying at Penn State tonight! Find the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity house and ask for the head of the brothers. Ask for the name of the "Faolian" telling him that it's for Wikipedia. He'll give you a name you will utilize. Feel free to party as well for a few more nights before proceeding to step 2.
Rent a green Ford F-150, and attach a sticker of the Wikipedia logo to the hood. Make the drive out to The Ohio State University. The current incumbent of the "Faolian" office, which is an office rather than a person, will meet you at the Midway dive bar at 1728 N High Street. You will pay the first 25% of the Wikipedia purchase to the incumbent Faolian, who will not accept the purchase money unless you have followed Step 1. As a sign of respect to the Faolian institution, after the money has been transferred, you are expected to order both yourself and the incumbent Faolian fifteen Long Island Iced Teas, ten wells, ten bombs, and a sex on the beach. You are further expected to consume all drinks bought within a single uninterrupted ten-minute period at Midway.
Crash that F-150 into Interstate 670, around the interchange with state route 315. Ensure that your car was the only casualty or damaged vehicle; if not, you will be required to restart the entire process (no credit for the amount already paid) and deliver us an additional fifteen thousand cheeseburgers pursuant to the Cheeseburgers listed previously, with Jerry's assistance required. The officer who shows up to investigate the crash will ask you questions; just say "I'm buying Wikipedia and I have already delivered it to the Faolian" and he'll collect the next 10% from you and let you go.
You're flying out again! Head to the Las Vegas Strip and you're going to be depositing the remaining 65% into a slot machine located in the MGM Grand. Ask the concierge at the hotel where the designated slot machine is. Congrats, you're almost done! Thanks for your purchase btw
MGM officials will give you a slip of paper you will present to WPM at the One Montgomery Tower in San Francisco, the WMF's headquarters. Upon presentation of the purchasing slip, WMF will begin the transfer of all its assets to the servers. You are now the new owner of Wikipedia!
