Gemischtorientierte Ehe

Vorlage:Nofootnotes Vorlage:Close Relationships A mixed orientation marriage is a marriage between a man and a woman in which one of the partners has a homosexual or a bisexual orientation. Many gay men and lesbians marry people of the opposite sex and go on to have children. Some men are able to express with minimal conflict their homosexual and heterosexual impulses within the framework of a conventional marriage, with openness and communication being a key factor. These marriages are sometimes referred to as "Brokeback" marriages, which comes from the movie Brokeback Mountain, in which two married men have an affair with each other.

Reasons for getting married

Usually, gay people do not heterosexually marry out of convenience or for a cover, but for complex reasons, including everything from discrimination and wishful thinking to real affection, sexual love, and desire for family. Joe Kort, a counselor specializing in mixed-orientation marriages, said "These men genuinely love their wives. They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they're on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging. They don't mean any harm." Others cite spiritual reasons for getting married. One married gay man said his "spiritual identity" had always been "marriage and family." While many hide their orientation from their spouse, others tell their spouse before marriage. Others may not have aware of their sexual orientation prior to marriage, or their sexual orientation was realized after marriage. Some bisexual women are almost exclusively heterosexual in behavior and fantasies before marriage, but grow toward a more homosexual orientation during marriage.

A lavender marriage is a mixed-orientation marriage used to cover up one's sexual orientation, often for their career.Vorlage:Fact The straight spouse may be referred to as the beard or merkin.

Family members

Many women are attracted to gay men and proceed to marry them. Kort said "straight individuals rarely marry gay people accidentally." He theorized that some women find gay men less judgmental and more flexible, while others unconsciously seek partnerships that are not sexually passionate.

Wives of gay men who did not know of their husband's sexual orientation may feel deceived or stupid for not having known. However, it is often difficult for them to seek support from family and friends because of fear of encountering social disapproval or ostracism. Findings suggest that wives struggled less with the homosexuality itself than with problems of isolation, stigma, loss, cognitive confusion and dissonance, and lack of knowledgeable, empathic support or help in problem solving. LGB parents must also decide how and when to come out to their children. For many this may be a difficult process.

Support

Many LGB people go to therapy or support groups, either before or after their marriage, specifically to deal with issues involved in a mixed-orientation marriage. A significant number of men and women experience conflict surrounding homosexual expression within marriage. Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the marriage and to monogamy. However, research by Coleman suggest that some develop a positive homosexual identity while maintaining a successful marriage. Therapy may include helping the client feel more comfortable and accepting of same-sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life patterns. Peers provide the most support, while therapists are often unfamiliar with sexual orientation, mixed orientation couples, or societal attitudes that impact mixed orientation families.

Some attempt conversion therapy, often because of religious/moral conflict, opportunity for heterosexual marriage and family, maintenance of existing marriage and family, or desire to avoid the non-monogamy and risky sexual behaviors that create serious risk for HIV infection. Some also attend ex-gay groups, either before or after their marriage. Dr. Robinson interviewed seven men in a mixed-orientation marriage who had been through an ex-gay group. They believe they had a spiritual transformation and that their orientation was changed. They were no longer troubled by feeling different or rejected by heterosexual men, emotional attraction to men, sexual attraction to men, feeling bad about same-sex desires, social isolation, or compulsive sexual thoughts and behaviors. Robinson found that their change came from a new understanding that prior same-sex attractions did not require them to be gay.

Support groups

Several groups who have started to be a support to those involved in a mixed-orientation marriage. The New York Times states "Although precise numbers are impossible to come by, 10,000 to 20,000 wives of gay husbands have contacted online support groups, and increasing numbers of them are women in their 20s or 30s."

Media

Brokeback Mountain helped bring the issue of mixed-orientation marriages to public attention, but several other movies had already dealt with the issue. Talk shows, such as Oprah, have also dealt with the issue. Some of the movies that deal with mixed-orientation marriages include:

• Brokeback Mountain - A story of two married male cowboys who fall in love.
• De-Lovely - The story of Cole Porter, a bisexual man and his wife, Linda Lee Thomas.
• Far From Heaven - The story of a woman whose husband has an affair with another man.
• Imagine Me & You - Story of a straight woman who falls in love with a lesbian at her wedding.
• The Wedding Banquet - Story of a gay Taiwanese immigrant man who marries a mainland Chinese woman to placate his parents and get her a green card

Famous couples

There have been several famous LGB celebrities who are married to a member of the opposite sex, including:

• Anne Heche married Coleman Laffoon after breaking up with Ellen DeGeneres. She told Advocate "I have been very clear to everybody that just because I'm getting married does not mean I call myself a straight."
• Julie Cypher married Matthew Hale after breaking up with Melissa Etheridge.
• Anthony Perkins married Berry Berenson. He had previous relationships with Rock Hudson and Tab Hunter, dancer Rudolf Nureyev, composer/lyricist Stephen Sondheim and dancer-choreographer Grover Dale, but underwent therapy after meeting Victoria Principal.
• Cole Porter, who was described as "an openly closeted gay man," was married to Linda Lee Thomas. Their marriage was the subject of Night and Day, but his sexuality was ignored. A later film, De-Lovely, dealt more openly with his sexuality.
• Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day married Adrienne Nesser in 1994 and together they have two kids. In a 1995 interview with The Advocate, he said "I think I've always been bisexual. I mean, it's something that I've always been interested in."
• David Bowie came out as bisexual in 1972 and married Iman Abdulmajid in 1992.
• Oscar Wilde married Constance Lloyd, but may have had significant sexual relationships with Frank Miles, Robert Baldwin Ross, and Lord Alfred Douglas.
• Little Richard was married in 1959 and his biography, The Life and Times of Little Richard details his involvement with homosexuality.
• Andrea Dworkin and John Stoltenberg were a gay man and lesbian who were married to each other and continued to be gay rights activists.
• Adrian (costume designer) was openly gay, but married Janet Gaynor in 1939. Together they had a son named Robin Gaynor Adrian, born in 1940. They remained married until Adrian's death on March 3, 1959. Though Gaynor later remarried, she & Adrian are buried in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Hollywood, California.
• Laurel Holloman identifies herself as a bisexual and she has been married to production designer Paul Macherey since July 13, 2002; they have a daughter, Lola Reiko Macherey, who was born on November 4, 2004. They adopted a second daughter in April 2008.
• Megan Mullally married Nick Offerman in 2003. She commented in an interview in The Advocate magazine, "I consider myself bisexual, and my philosophy is, everyone innately is."

References

• Same-sex attraction in heterosexually partnered men: Reasons, rationales and reflections
• Gay Men from Heterosexual Marriages: Attitudes, Behaviors, Childhood Experiences, and Reasons for Marriage
• Gay and Bisexual Married Men's Attitudes and Experiences: Homophobia, Reasons for Marriage, and Self-Identity
• The Married Lesbian
• Gay husbands and fathers: Reasons for marriage among homosexual men ET Ortiz, PR Scott - Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services, 1994
• Bozett, Frederick W.: Gay and lesbian parents. Praeger, New York 1987, ISBN 0-275-92541-2 (google.com). 
• Latham JD, White GD: Coping with homosexual expression within heterosexual marriages: five case studies. In: J Sex Marital Ther. 4. Jahrgang, Nr. 3, 1978, S. 198–212, PMID 722822. 
• van der Geest H: Homosexuality and marriage. In: J Homosex. 24. Jahrgang, Nr. 3-4, 1993, S. 115–23, doi:10.1300/J082v24n03_08, PMID 8505531.