User talk:Jlmdouce/sandbox
Erin's peer review
Hey Joëlle!
This is a very solid contribution to the Laryngeal papillomatosis article. You clearly put a lot of thought into which areas of the original article were most in need of changes/additions. You were very neutral and professional in your usage of language throughout your additions. From a brief review of the nature of your chosen sources, they seem to be well-chosen and taken from a good variety of perspectives. I particularly like your contributions to the diagnosis sections -- very thorough and informative! You really strike a good balance with thorough coverage of the nature of a diagnostic procedure without making it step-by-step.
Here are just a couple of points to think about in the polishing stage:
- "The incidence, or number of new cases" -- even though the explanation of the term "incidence" is helpful, I think you could just link out to the article for "incidence" instead of explaining it. Alternatively, you could could reword the sentence to be more accessible with the "number of new cases" term instead.
- In the same sentence as above, the forward slashes could be replaced by "per", might make it slightly more readable for the stats-averse.
- "Note that the age of 20 is not universally accepted as the dividing line between juvenile and adult laryngeal papillomatosis." -- I'm not disputing that this sentence is important for the interpretation of the facts, but this sentence feels out of place in a Wikipedia article, at least to me.
- It might be a bit obvious, but you could state the nature of the correlation between incidence and SES.
- "raspberries, cauliflower, mulberries, or grape clusters" -- It wasn't clear to me, reading this, whether you were describing four different forms that the growths can take, or just four different ways of describing the typical form. If it's the latter, you could simplify this part to one food comparison.
- "Papillomas usually present in the larynx, especially on the vocal folds and in the space above the vocal folds called the ventricles. However, they can spread to other parts of the larynx" -- The "however" implies that there is contradiction between the first sentence and the second, but there isn't, since you've already said that they're present in the larynx in general. You could fix this a number of ways, e.g. by specifying the VFs & ventricles in the first sentence from the outset.
- Not necessarily something to change, but: I like your choices of terms to link out to other Wikipedia articles. If you haven't already done so, I would make sure when you transfer your contributions to the article that you're only linking the first mention of each term in the article.
Again, this is really excellent work here, Joëlle, fantastic job. Rileyerine (talk) 21:27, 26 October 2017 (UTC)