User talk:Blogger192AC/sandbox
Superscript textHey Blogger192AC! I'm going to evaluate your article, which I'm presuming will be additions to the Free the Nipple wikipedia page. Firstly, you picked a great page to edit. This page is relatively minimal in its size compared to what could be covered on it. In terms of your content, perhaps add headers in your sandbox to give the other evaluators an idea of what section the paragraphs you have written are planning to be placed on the official page. As I'm reading your contributions, I can't really get a clear grasp of how you are going to implement it in the wiki page. I helped correct some grammatical issues on your page that needed a space or period to make it all kosher. There is still a decent amount of run-on sentences and unnecessary use of commas in sentences that I'd reconsider their usage. Lastly, I'd consider reducing the usage of quotes when talking about Free the Nipple. You phrase it as "Free the Nipple," but I don't believe that you need to quote it every time you bring it up as quotations are only supposed to be used when absolutely necessary. You use quotations several other times when it isn't necessary like "Keep a Breast." Also, this sentence "The sexualization of breast has been abused to the point that women are being told not to breastfeed their children." should probably be re-phrased or taken out. It's more of an opinion than fact. I totally get your point, but you should reconsider how you phrase it or get a source to back up the statement. These sentences "Breastfeeding is a naturally occurring act in order to feed a baby. Scout Willis feels that this issue should be taken more seriously by the general public. Women should be able to feed their children in public without being disgraced in the act." also have an opinion in their tone and lack of formal writing to it that should be fixed before publishing. Lastly, these sentences "Opponents argue that disabled, mutilated, and transgender women who digress from typical female bodies are not liberated when they expose their breasts. Instead, because their breasts are deemed not femme enough to censor, they are subject to countless criticisms facilitated online - further reinforcing oppressive gender constructs in the community. Further, the official merchandise for #FreeTheNipple portrays perky B-cup breasts, excluding other varieties of breast shapes prevalent throughout the nation. This stands to provide a platform only for exclusive women encompassing these preferred traits. [14]" sound like you are supporting the free the nipple movement rather than displaying a neutral overview of the topic. This is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. You guys have a lot of great information to add to the Free the Nipple wii page and I'm excited to see how your final draft looks.
-LonzoMVP2025
Peer Review and Copyedit
Hi Blogger 192AC,
First of all, I enjoyed your groups article. I feel that it is an important page to have a topic written on. I think that the paragraph at the beginning is not entirely necessary since it is explaining what a hashtag is. You could probably replace that with one concise sentence explaining the concept. I think the article would also benefit from including links to the celebrities mentioned as well as the foundations that you mentioned. It would be great for readers to be able to read more about the Chicago Women's Health Center if they are interested. I think that paragraph 3 should be expanded upon because it includes information about the TaTa Top which seems important as well as organizations that are key to the movement. I also liked that you included a picture and showed some of the art attached to this hashtag.
Overall, the article seems pretty well constructed and covers many bases. I think it would be good for you guys to go more in depth about each topic to give the reader a better understanding of what was mentioned.
Formatting/Spelling Changes:
- Ever since the “Free the Nipple” movement was created, women across the nation have been arrested for taking to the streets topless. (remove comma)
- By wearing this statement piece, women are able to support the movement without breaking any laws (insert comma)
- Demi Moore, Bruce Willis’s daughter, Scout Willis also took action on the movement by posting a topless photo of herself on Instagram. (insert comma)
- While the “Free the Nipple” movement aims to fight social media censorship and uncover double-standards in male and female body perceptions, critiques argue that #FreeTheNipple has not gained significant traction in regards to new legislations. (fix spelling on critics and legislation)
- LGBTQ campaigners and feminist groups argue that the movement caters to the select few white, skinny, CIS, and able-bodied women who already fall into the physical ideals constructed by society. (Explain what CIS is)
Kevindphan (talk) 21:04, 20 October 2017 (UTC)Kevin Phan
Peer Review: Trinh's Comments
First of all, I think you all did a great job on your first draft of edits. It's a very long and thorough post. I agree with Kevin's comment regarding the first paragraph. I do think it is unnecessary and not too relevant to the topic at hand. As for the section in general, I was wondering how you plan on incorporating this content into the rest of the page. You note that you want it to be a part of the "In the Media" section and about the "Free the Nipple" campaign specifically, but when I currently look at this sub-section in the article, it is already very long. I feel like adding this to that section alone may make the section TOO long. Additionally, other topics discussed in that section are about a paragraph long. I wonder if adding this content there would make it too heavily skewed towards this movement alone. I think the content that you all provided could be divided into different existing sub-sections such as "In the Media," "Instagram," and "Expansion and Advertising."
I feel like there are also parts of the article that does not display a neutral POV."Women should be able to feed their children in public without being disgraced in the act." Unless this was something quoted by Scout Willis, this feels very opinionated, especially because of the word, "should." If Scout expressed this opinion then that should be made more clear. Other quotes like "The sexualization of breast has been abused to the point that women are being told not to breastfeed their children," also imply a stance. While it is true that women are avoiding breastfeeding, this should probably be written in a less "aggressive" way to remain at the neutral point of view that Wikipedia seeks to have.
Outside of what you have already written, there are other aspects on the page that I think you all could touch upon like "Definition" which is currently only one sentence long. Adding more pictures to other sections would also be nice, as the existing article is very text-heavy.