User:Tony1/Advanced editing exercises
Self-help writing tutorials:
Skilled editing is central to achieving high-quality Wikipedia articles. This is a set of exercises in which you are presented with a portion of faulty text. It may contain problems of grammar, logic, cohesion, tone, lexical choice, punctuation or redundant wording. In some cases, there are breaches of Wikipedia's Manual of style.
Unlike our exercises in eliminating redundant wording, most of the exercises don't concentrate on a specific aspect of writing or editing; here, you need to be aware of all of the things that can go wrong in constructing text. The challenge is not knowing in advance what has gone wrong. This is more like the real-life situation you face as an editor of Wikipedia articles.
"Unfolding" design. The exercises are designed to be done in your head, without writing. On purpose, each unfolds in stages: first, the problem text, then usually one or two hints, then a solution, and finally an explanation. You'll get the most out of the exercises by thinking carefully about each stage before clicking on the next one. Expect to stop when you've had enough, and plan to return to take up where you left off. "Distributed" ("spaced out") practice of writing skills, not "massed" (all at once), will have a more powerful effect.
The examples are mostly taken from featured article candidates. We've removed reference numbers and links to avoid clutter. Feedback on how to improve the exercises is welcome on the talk page. Thanks to User:Gary King for developing the "Editing exercise template" in use here.
Instructions: click on [Show] to the right of each stage. Good luck!
Short examples I
Exercise 1: Teen pop idol
Problem text
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979, and since then he has forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.
Hint 1
- One puncuation issue.
- One issue concerning the "since" wording.
Hint 2
- "From" is spelled out; do we "say" to ourselves "to" when we read "1964–1979"?
- Which two words in the second clause are unnecessary?
Solution
He was a teen pop idol from 1964–1979 1964 to 1979, and since then he has since forged a career as an adult contemporary singer.
Explanation
- "Then" is unnecessary if "since" is there.
- The second "he" can be removed through ellipsis—that is, it's at the very start and the reader will silently carry it over into the second clause if it's removed; oddly enough, this helps the cohesion of the text by forcing the reader to psyhologically bind together the two clauses.
Exercise 2: Canadian politics
Problem text
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had won five consecutive elections.
Hint 1
What's the relationship between the two clauses (either side of the comma)? How are these statements connected logically?
Hint 2
Joining the two statements with "and" belies the causality: it's because they'd won five consecutive elections that they'd been in power so long. But don't use "because".
Solution
The Liberal Party had governed the nation since 1935, and had having won five consecutive elections.
Explanation
Now the causal logic is clear.
Exercise 3: Welfare state
Problem text
The Liberals were generally successful, with the nation prosperous and an increasing welfare state.
[In the article, this comes straight after the previous statement in Exercise 2.]Hints
- Is "were" still the right tense?
- Was the nation was an increasing welfare state? That's what it could be saying—the reader has to think too hard about this.
- "With" as a connector is often awkward.
- Do you increase a welfare state?
Possible solution
The Liberals were generally had generally been successful: during their period in office, the nation had prospered and had built a stronger welfare state.
Explanation
The welfare state bit is only one way of clarifying it.
Exercise 4: Committee grows tired of chairman
Problem text
His father was a lawyer, judge and, for 31 years, a Congressman who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.
Hint 1
So he chaired the Committee for 31 years? Two US presidential administrations couldn't possibly last for 31 years (16 is the theoretical maximum).
Hint 2
What a difference a comma would make.
Possible solution
His father was a lawyer, judge, and for 31 years a Congressman, who chaired the House Naval Affairs Committee during the Harding and Coolidge administrations.
Explanation
The comma clarifies that he was "Congressman" for 31 years, not the chair of the committee for 31 years.
Exercise 5: South Korean army
Problem text
The smaller South Korean army suffered from widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.
[This could be improved in two ways.]What are these two issues?
- An article is required ("a", "an", or "the").
- What does "it" refer back to?
Solution
The smaller South Korean army suffered from a widespread lack of organisation and equipment, and it was unprepared for war.
Explanation
- Avoid telegram language: one rule of thumb is If there's an of to the right of a noun, use the (or a or an) to the left"; it usually works.
- There should be no doubt what a back-reference refers to. It doesn't matter that a careful reading tells the reader that "it" refers to the compound noun "the smaller South Korean army"; there's another singular noun—also a compound noun ("widespread lack of organisation and equipment"). "The smaller South Korean army" is clearly the overall subject of the sentence, so make this subject work for both parts of the sentence. Again, it's achieved by not saying it twice, forcing the reader to silently insert it (ellipsis).
Exercise 6: David Bellamy
Problem text
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
Hint 1
What's the relationship between the clauses (separated by the comma)? Which part of the first clause does the second clause refer back to?
Hint 2
So the proposed construction attracted support from Bellamy? The intended meaning is probably means something very different.
Solution
A protest group was formed to resist the proposed construction, which and attracted support from the botanist and environmental campaigner David Bellamy.
Explanation
Now it's clear that the protest group attracted Bellamy's support, not the construction.
That's enough thinking for now. Go have a rest, and come back tomorrow and do the next set.
Short examples II
Exercise 7
Problem text
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
[There's one issue.]What is the issue?
A problem of logical cohesion between the two sentences.
Where is the issue?
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus and Richard II. However, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
Solution
Navenby, which has Bronze Age, Roman and Medieval heritage, was made a market town with charters from Edward the Confessor, William Rufus and Richard II; despite this long heritage, the market fell into disuse in the early 19th century.
Explanation
However tells your reader that you're going to contradict or change the previous angle in some way; but just how this is the case is not sufficiently clear. We've guessed that the writer's point is ironic, and reinforced the close relationship with a semicolon rather than a period.
Exercise 8
Problem text
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save, in an FA Cup Final, of all time.
What is the issue?
The bumpety-bump punctuation and the separation of wording that belongs together.
Where is the issue?
Move the middle phrase ("in an FA Cup Final").
Solution
Montgomery's feat is often described as the most famous save of all time in an FA Cup Final.
- Now try two harder examples from the same Wikipedia article.
Exercise 9
Problem text
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.
[It has a clunky feel to it; why?]What is the issue?
The order of ideas in the sentence is the problem.
Where is the issue?
Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match, to secure promotion.
Hint
Can you work out how to reposition the last phrase so it's not stuck out at the end of a long sentence?
Solution
To secure promotion, Sunderland required only a draw in their final game against rivals Chelsea, who had another game left to play after this match.
Exercise 10
Problem text
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game, mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery; he saved in quick succession two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal.
What is the issue?
The order and relative length of the ideas, and the punctuation.
Where is the issue?
The first chain is too long; the second fragment is too short. Try recasting the join between them, including a different punctuation mark and different grammar.
Solution
Sunderland, a Second Division club at the time, won the game; this was mostly due to the efforts of their goalkeeper Jimmy Montgomery, who saved two of Peter Lorimer's shots at the goal in quick succession.
Exercise 11
Problem text
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.
[Ambiguity is the issue.]What the issues are
The relationship between the two segments in the sentence is ambiguous.
Where the issues are
The Association ranks her as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history, having sold 32 million albums in the US.
Solution
Having sold 32 million albums in the US, she is ranked by the Association as the eighth-best-selling female artist in American music history.
Explanation
Reversing the order of the segments and using the passive voice is one way of ensuring that it is she and not the Association is clearly conveyed as having sold 32 million albums in the US. We usually try to ration the use of the passive, but here, it works quite well.
Short examples III
Exercise 12
A lady's name. Yes, parents can be cruel.
Problem text
For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.
[The task is to produce neater wording by removing four words and changing a fifth.]What the issues are
- Unnecessary little grammatical words.
- A redundant "temporal" word; the job is done by the tense.
Where the issues are
For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.
Solution
For their home, the Hoggs chose the largest lot, 14.5 acres (5.9 ha). Ima worked closely with architect John Staub to design the a house so that it would show off the art the family had already purchased.
Explanation
- The grammar is simpler and more succinct.
- "A" rather than "the" is appropriate, since the house—especially in the changed grammatical environment—is one of a class of houses that could be designed for that purpose, not the only one.
- "Already" is redundant in the light of the past tense (unless it's required for some particular emphasis, which was not the case in this context).
Exercise 13
Problem text
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.
[There are six issues!]What the issues are
- Is "concern over a potential" the most direct way to express what underlies a design challenge?
- "Potentially" is a hedgehog word, we think.
- There's an ungainly grammatical construction in the middle.
- There's an "-ing ... -ing" repetition; it's OK, but removing it would be nicer.
- There might be a way of avoiding the "concern made the design" wording.
- Is it necessary to use "both" to mark the combination of the legal and the physical? Maybe, maybe not.
Where the issues are
Concern over the spouting water potentially knocking people down made the design both a legal and a physical challenge.
Solution
The risk that the spouting water would knock people down was both a legal and physical design challenge.
Explanations
- The risk is more direct than concern over, and allows us to dispense with the inelegant "potentially".
- The noun plus -ing problem was easy to overcome, using "that"; Solution also eliminates the "-ing ... -ing" repetition. See Exercise 2 below for more on this.
- We chose to retain the grammatical marking of the legal and physical combination ("both").
- Using the verb be (here, was) is a plainer, more direct wording: "X was a challenge" rather than "X made Y a challenge". "Y" ("the design") is now tidily snuck in as a mere adjective to "challenge".
Exercise 14
Problem text
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.
What the issues are
- This could be said in many fewer words. Consider conflating it into a single sentence to avoid the repetition.
- Pick out the bits you don't like and check below in the hint.
Hint
The bits we don't like are in green. The repetition is underlined. See if this helps you to think of a neater solution.
- Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass. The potential damage to a natural grass field caused by Seattle's frequent rain also made the surface an appropriate option.
Solution
Artificial turf was installed because it was easier to maintain than natural grass, and would be less vulnerable to damage from Seattle's frequent rain.
Explanations
- Ellipsis is used to avoid repetition ("and it would be less").
- "Natural grass" doesn't even need to be repeated, since there's now a comparative "less".
- The verbose gobbledygook has been replaced with more cohesive wording, in which 33 words have been reduced to 24.
Exercise 15
Problem text
Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.
[Just one issue.]What is the issue?
It's ambiguous. What are the two possible meanings? (Even if one is much less likely, it shouldn't be an option—the "fork" makes the reader work a little harder, even if they're not aware of why.)
Further hint
The two possible meanings are:
- people became associated with IP addresses after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded; or
- Odex sent letters of demand to those people after sufficient downloading activity had been recorded.
It's surprisingly simple
Reverse the order of the clauses.
Solution
After sufficient downloading activity had been recorded, Odex sent letters of demand to people associated with IP addresses.
Explanations
Easy-peasy. But the hardest thing was to pick up that it was ambiguous in the first place. Good editors learn to scrutinise every sentence for possible multiple meanings.
Exercise 16
Problem text
The Soviets were as alarmed by the problem as their East German protégés.
[Just one issue.]What is the issue?
Exactly as alarmed as each other? This might be called a false equative, or a forced equality.
Solution
Both Soviet and East German regimes were alarmed by the problem.
Other solutions are possible, including statements that retain the "protégé" idea; it depends on the context. In the same article, there was another forced equative: "The East German government had an equally important incentive [as the West German government]"—was it exactly equal?"
As a side-comment, let's decry this tired and cumbersome attempt at elegance: "Three earthquakes in as many months"; or the ludicrous example once heard on ABC Radio news: "One incident in as many months". Pffff.
Exercise 17
Problem text
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, the devices are less expensive, and can be manufactured in a disposable form.
What is the issue?
This is a list. There's a problem in the way the items are organised; it's not to do with their order.
Hint
How many items are there? Four?
Further hint
There are four in a way, but on a higher structural level there are only three, concerning (1) "the drug"; (2) "dosing", and (3) "the devices". It's really 1, 2, 3a, 3b. So what about the boundaries between them? Remember the old rules?
- 1 and 2;
- 1, 2, and 3?
Solution
DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: the drug is more stable, dosing is rapid, and the devices are less expensive and can be manufactured in a disposable form.
Explanations
1, 2, and 3, but expanded out, it's 1, 2, and 3a and 3b.
Here it is again, with the numbers interpolated:
"DPIs have many advantages over liquid nebulisers: (1) the drug is more stable, (2) dosing is rapid, and the devices (3a) are less expensive and (3b) can be manufactured in a disposable form."
We've removed the comma between 3a and 3b to stress their connectedness.
Exercise 18
Problem text
Judge Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas judge from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
What is the issue?
Can we avoid the repeated word?
Hint
Judge Thomas Mellon, a retired common pleas judge from Allegheny County, purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
Solution
Retired common pleas judge Thomas Mellon from Allegheny County purchased the Ligonier Valley Railroad at auction.
Explanations
- Now we don't even need the commas; smooth flow.
- Always keep a look-out for repeated words that lie close together in the text—that is, unless they're necessary to pinpoint the same item for the reader (especially technical terms).
Short examples IV
Exercise 19
Problem text
The main attraction will be a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride known as WindSeeker.
What is the issue?
The compound hyphenated structure is clunky. Is there a simple solution?
Hint
Try rearranging the order within "a new 301-foot (92 m)-tall swing ride".
Solution
The main attraction will be a new swing ride 301 feet (92 m) tall, known as WindSeeker.
Exercise 20
Problem text
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the location of an Iron Age hill fort.
What is the issue?
One word could be removed, to bring two benefits.
Hint
"Ellipsis", it's called.
Solution
The castle has been the subject of antiquarian studies since the 18th century, and it was originally thought to have been the location of an Iron Age hill fort.
Explanation
Two benefits: first, the ellipsis, in which the readers effortlessly assume the invisible presence of the now-missing word, is neater; second, there were two singular nouns that "it" might have referred to, and the reader has to work just a little to get over that fuzziness, even though it's obvious "it" doesn't refer to "the 18th century".
Exercise 21
Problem text
The castle is oval, with an 11-metre (35 ft) wide stone curtain wall.
What is the issue?
Even without Wikipedia's necessary binary international/US unit conversions, this is a cumbersome expression, and strictly speaking requires a triple unit, hyphenated: "The castle is oval, with an 11-metre-wide stone curtain wall."
Hint
Change the word order.
Solution
The castle is oval, with a stone curtain wall 11 metres (35 ft) wide.
- Smoother, and no hyphens are required.
Exercise 22
Problem text
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
What is the issue?
Punctuation / sentence structure.
Hint
Buckton Castle was probably built by William de Neville, Lord of Longdendale, in the late 12th century; which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
- This is the opposite of a comma splice, in which a comma is wrongly inserted before a fully grammatical, stand-alone sentence.
Solution
..., in the late 12th century, which would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester, such as Dunham and Stockport.
- But now there's a succession of commas, so it might be better to retain the semicolon and make the text that follows it a proper sentence:
- ..., in the late 12th century; this would make it contemporary with other castles in Greater Manchester such as Dunham and Stockport.
Exercise 23
The problem text
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in changing structural terms, rather than Darwin's emphasis on geography and variation within populations.
Hints
- What Cope and Darwin each focused on needs to be grammatically parallel, or at least logically connected.
- "Evolution in changing structural terms" is a little hard.
A solution
Due to his background in taxonomy and paleontology, Cope focused on evolution in terms of changing structure, rather than Darwin's strategy of emphasising geography and variation within populations.
Explanation
This is only one way of doing it.
Exercise 24
The problem text
In 2009, he set a new OHL record for career goals as he finished the season with 215, two more than former record holder Peter Lee.
Hints
Is it a "because/since as" or a "while as"? "As" in this sense is a badly engineered word in English and better avoided. Peter Lee is over-described if "two more than" is there. Lose four words and simplify the structure to avoid the "as" problem.
A solution
In 2009, he finished the season with a career total of 215 goals, breaking Peter Lee's OHL record by two.
Exercise 25
The problem text
Three-blade turbines are the most common design for modern windmills, as the design minimises forces related to material fatigue.
[This is the caption to a picture of a three-blade wind turbine.]Hint
"Design" is repeated. The causal relationship between the two ideas doesn't need to be explicitly flagged by a word such as "as".
Two alternative solutions
- "Three blades minimise forces related to material fatigue, and are the most common design for modern wind turbines."
Alternatively, you could change the grammatical theme (the writer's point of departure for the message, the "what I'm going to tell you about"):
- "The most common design for modern windmills is a three-blade turbine, which minimises forces related to material fatigue."
Longer examples
Exercise 26
Problem text
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his statements to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.
[There's just one issue; can you pinpoint it?]What is the issue?
The logical connection between two phrases.
Where is the issue?
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. From his actions, it appears likely that St-Calais did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary, although northern chronicles maintained his innocence.
Hint
Where should the contrast be? Between his claims and what the northern chronicles reported, or is there a more basic contrast?
Further hint
Both "whatever his claims to the contrary" and the fact that "northern chronicles maintained his innocence" seem to be on the same side of the conflict between (1) what his actions suggested, and (2) recorded reports of verbal statements. Therefore, although shouldn't contrast the two phrases that are expressing (2); there's another word present that can do the job of contrasting (1) and (2).
Solution
St-Calais continued to hold out in Durham, claiming he had never rebelled. When the king approached with an army, St-Calais agreed to come out, but only after receiving a safe conduct that would allow him to attend a trial while his men continued to hold the castle. St-Calais's actions suggest that he did rebel, whatever his claims to the contrary and statements of his innocence in northern chronicles.
Explanation
"Whatever" now provides the critical logical contrast between what his actions suggested and the verbal claims.
Exercise 27
This comes from the lead, which provides a sequence of summary statements about the subsequent text in the article.
The problem text
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.
[There are four issues.]What the issues are
- A wrong word.
- A problem of logic and of vagueness.
- A MoS breach.
- A false comparison.
Where the issues are
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful, and to this day the county is linked to the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism and health/social care.
Solution
Agriculture continues to be a major part of the economy of Somerset. Apple orchards were once plentiful have been plentiful for more than [?five] centuries, and to this day the county is linked to known for the production of strong cider. The unemployment rate in the county is lower than that of the surrounding counties. The largest employment sectors are retail, manufacturing, leisure/tourism leisure and tourism, and health/social care health and social care.
Explanations
- The problem of logic and of vagueness: "Once" suggests that the orchards were plentiful at some time in the past and are no longer so; but the subsequent clause implies that plentiful orchards have ever since been and still are plentiful, since the county is known for its apple cider. An indication is required of when "in the past" this was, even if as vague as "for at least five centuries". We have guessed a solution; the author would need to be asked to check this.
- The wrong words: "Linked to" is ambiguous; "known for" is presumably what the author intended.
- The false comparison: The unemployment rate in Somerset is being compared with the unemployment rate in the surrounding counties, not with the counties themselves; "that of" can be inserted to stand for "the unemployment rate of" those other counties; then the comparison is valid.
- The MoS breach: Slashes are usually avoided.
Exercise 28
Problem text
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.
[There are seven issues.]What the issues are
- A word that is probably redundant.
- Missing commas (three could be added).
- A word that is inconsistently applied in one place but not another.
- A potentially misleading lexical item (word).
- A verb that is used wrongly in active voice.
- A missing hyphen.
- A character that may need to be changed in case (upper to lower, or lower to upper).
Where the issues are [commas not shown]
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984) also known as Zhang Liangying is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest a national all female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.
Solution
Jane Zhang (born 11 October 1984), also known as Zhang Liangying, is a Chinese pop singer who came to prominence when she was placed third in the 2005 season of the Super Girl contest Contest, a national all-female singing competition held in the People's Republic of China. Throughout During the competition, she sang in English, Spanish and Cantonese in addition to Mandarin Chinese.
Explanations
- Three commas are required: the first two are boundaries for a nested phrase ("also known as Zhang Liangying"); the third is an "equative" comma, meaning "that is".
- "Placed" can't refer to what she does, but to what is done to her; the passive voice must be used ("was placed").
- A hyphen is required for "all-female", which is a double adjective. This is the case even in AmEng. See MOS on hyphens.
- An upper-case "C" is required, for "Contest", since it's part of the title of the competition; this can be confirmed at the linked article and the link re-piped.
- "Held" is hardly necessary, since all competitions are held, and we're told its country of location.
- "Throughout" may imply that she sang from start to finish in a mixture of all four languages; while this is an unlikely meaning, it is clearer to use "during", which doesn't convey the start-to-finish meaning.
- "Chinese" is used to qualify "Mandarin", but not "Cantonese"; however, both are Chinese languages. It's probably acceptable to remove "Chinese" altogether, since China is central to the topic and both languages were linked. Re-pipe the link.
- There's one more issue: the list of languages at the end finishes with "in addition to"; why the marked form of "and" is used is unclear. Is Mandarin somehow different from the rest of the list? Perhaps it's her native language, but it's all a mystery to the poor reader.
Exercise 29
Problem text
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the Packets were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.
[There are six issues.]What the issues are
- An unnecessary repetition.
- A missing hyphen.
- An ugly word that has a common, shorter equivalent.
- An old-fashioned word.
- Opportunities for neater expression in two places.
- An opportunity to split an over-long sentence.
Where the issues are
Incorporating a number of new developments in British steam locomotive technology, the Packets were amongst the first designs to utilise welding in the construction process, which meant that components could be more easily constructed during the wartime austerity and post war economy.
Solution
Incorporating a number of new developments in steam locomotive technology, the Packets were among the first designs to use welding in the construction process; this enabled the easier fabrication of components during the austerity of the wartime and post-war economy.
Explanations
- "Amongst" is better as the plainer and shorter "among".
- "Utilise" is a very ugly word for "use".
- The second occurrence of "construction/constructed" can be avoided by substituting it with "fabrication".
- "Post-war" is a double adjective before "economy", and should therefore be hyphenated.
- The comma after "process" is turned into a semicolon to enable the readers to pause and gather their thoughts momentarily; the next clause is turned into a grammatical sentence starting with "this", not "which". In any case, "which meant that" is clumsy; better to say it plainly.
- During austerity isn't quite right, and the meaning is clearly that both the war and the post-war period involved economic austerity. We've presented one way of rewording, which would need to be confirmed by the FAC nominator.
- A user has suggested that "a number of" and "new" may be redundant. Removing "a number of" could emphasis the global significance of the developments: "a number of" seems to constrain the claim a little; I agree that in some circumstances, "a number of" is just clutter. "New developments" is probably not redundant, since it contrasts with existing or previous developments (which may not yet have been incorporated).
Exercise 30
The problem text
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.
[There are five issues.]What the issues are
- Three cases of redundant wording. Read the text as running on directly from the previous exercise.
- A clash between animate and inanimate entities.
- A false contrast (a problem of logical flow).
- The use of two expressions of very similar meaning, where a common expression would make the text more cohesive.
- An opportunity to split an over-long sentence and at the same time to avoid ambiguity.
Where the issues are
The locomotives also featured Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear and the inclusion of thermic syphons. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks, an astute publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who operated Southampton Docks during the period.
Solution
The locomotives also featured thermic syphons and Bulleid's innovative, though controversial chain-driven valve gear. The class members were named after the Merchant Navy shipping lines involved in the Battle of the Atlantic, and latterly those which used Southampton Docks; this was an astute a publicity masterstroke by the Southern Railway, who which operated Southampton Docks during the period.
Explanations
- Redundant wording. First, even when you read this as running on directly from the previous exercise text, you don't need to be told that this is another attribute of the locomotives: it's stronger without
also. Second, we don't need both featured and the inclusion of. Pure fluff, since if something is featured, it is included. - Innovation and controversy often go together; they certainly don't want to be marked as an unusual combination by though.
- Long-sentence indigestion: give your readers a break and split it; the semicolon boundary and the this was back-connector will help them to connect the publicity masterstroke with the action of naming the ships, right back at the start of the sentence.
- What masterstroke isn't astute?
- The Docks and the Southern Railway might have been operated by people, but they were both corporate entities and deserve which, not who.